Perfectionism is a protector
In other words, perfectionism is not a problem to be fixed-it is a part of us to be understood and worked with compassionately. Let’s imagine a common scenario: you’re building something that matters to you. Maybe it’s your business, your creative work, or simply the next step on your healing path. But every time you go to put your work into the world—send the email, post on social media, say yes to the opportunity—something inside you freezes. A voice pipes up: “It has to be perfect first.”
That voice isn’t the enemy. It’s a part of you. And it’s working overtime to keep you safe.
What’s Really Behind Perfectionism?
In my sessions, people often come in with parts like this—parts that make perfection the requirement for visibility. These parts are protectors. They learned that being imperfect leads to rejection, embarrassment, or danger. Somewhere along the way, the strategy to only be seen when perfect or absolutely correct made sense and protected my client. This part carries the burden of continuing to protect my client from the embarrassment and rejection long after the original experience of these hurts are past.
The goal in IFS is not to banish or fix the perfectionist part. It’s to understand it.
The First Step: How Do You Feel Toward This Part?
Once we’ve identified the part that’s demanding perfection, I ask the same question every time:
How do you feel toward this part of you?
If the answer includes qualities like curiosity, calm, compassion, or courage, we know something important: the client is in Self-energy—the wise, centered, healing presence that lives inside all of us.
In IFS, we call these the 8 Cs of Self:
Curiosity, Calm, Clarity, Confidence, Compassion, Creativity, Courage, and Connectedness
(Presence, open-heartedness, and conscious awareness are additional qualities that indicate that the self is present.)
When we respond to our parts from Self, the healing can begin.
What Happens Next: A Self-to-Part Conversation
Let’s say a client says, “I feel curious about this perfectionist part.” Perfect. With just that small opening of curiosity, I can guide them into a direct inner conversation.
“Can you ask that part: When did this part decide that everything needed to be perfect?”
“What is this part afraid would happen if things weren’t perfect?”
“Who or what is this part trying to protect you from?”
This is where transformation happens—not by forcing a change, but by witnessing with compassion.
But sometimes, another part steps in—one that’s frustrated or angry at the perfectionist part. That’s valid too. In these moments, I help clients ask that reactive part to gently step back. Not because it’s wrong, but because right now we’re focused on helping the part that's doing the protecting.
And If There’s Not Enough Self-Energy?
If a client feels annoyed, resistant, checked out, or overwhelmed by the perfectionist part, I know we’re not quite in Self. And that’s okay.
In those moments, I may shift to something called direct access—where I, as the practitioner, speak directly to the part with care, modeling the conversation until the client’s own Self-energy becomes more accessible.
Healing Doesn’t Mean Getting Rid of the Part
Our goal isn’t to eliminate the perfectionist. It’s to listen to this part, learn from it, and help it trust that it doesn’t have to run the show anymore.
That’s how true healing happens: not by silencing your inner protectors, but by helping them feel safe enough to soften. Once we are able to have this balanced relationship with our parts, they can relax and and unburden from the ways they protect us. Then they can move on to different roles that are more satisfying and helpful. A perfectionist part might become a gentle attention to detail and keen observer.
If you have difficulty developing this gentle relationship with yourself, I can help. 1:1 work with me is a powerful way to get in touch with your self energy so that your parts can be heard, felt and understood.
